In the beginning

I should be sleeping right now because Kenley has this horrible habit of waking up anywhere between now and about 1 to be soothed but since I haven't written in awhile I feel compelled to do this.  So I will write and if she wakes up then oh well...I will just be a little bit more tired tomorrow.

Kenley Schuyler was born weighing 2 lbs. 7oz. and she was 14 inches long.  Jim told me that they re-weighed her a few times when they got her down to her room because they had a hard time accepting she weighed that much.  When we had our ultrasound at the hospital on that previous Thursday, they had told us she was exactly 2 lbs.  So the fact that she had gained 7 ozs. in just 4 days was nuts!  But thats what she weighed.  They had told me that I could leave on Thursday if I wanted to but if I wanted to stay until Friday I could also.  All due to my rough delivery.

When Dr. Pierson went in to get Kenley, she got her feet and torso out but not quick enough.  My uterus clamped around Kenley's head and that is where the tugging and pulling came from.  She had tried to get Kenley out without having to make anymore cuts into me but it just didn't work.  She had to make a T like incision into my uterus to get Kenley's head out so therefore I would have a longer recovery time then most c-section women.  I imagine that is why to this day I am still sore in my abdomen.  Of course not as nearly as sore as I have been but I am still sensative down there.  When Kenley lies on her back and pushes with her feet right onto my incision...I bite my lip.  I imagine at some point I will no longer hurt in that region but I'm sure it will just take some time.  Its amazing that I too can still feel my uterus contracting.  Sometimes when I feel it, I have to stop a second and think because it almost feels like baby kicks.  But of course, its not that...thank goodness for now.  Maybe some other day ( and thats a whole other topic within itself...that I will address also) but not anytime soon!

So I was told I would have a longer recovery time, bleed anywhere from 6 to 8 weeks and also Dr. Pierson had used staples in me, not stitches, becasue she thought they healed better.  I didn't realize this at the time but of course every doctor is different and they have their ways of doing things.  She had put 14 staples into me.  As crazy as it was to see those things in me, they didn't hurt a bit when she took them out.  I had an appointment that Friday...4 days after the c-section...to have them removed.  I was kind of worried that when she took them out my stomach would spill open and my intestines would come rolling out.  But she told me that the skin actually heals itself and reconnects within 24 hours.  So of course that didn't happen.  Also, because all the nerves had been cut, I was almost numb around the incision site.  She also informed me that that would go away, one day.

I feel like I could go on to document my day to day recovery in the hospital after Kenley was born but I feel its just better to jump right in to her time in the NICU.  So I'll pick back up the day of my discharge...Thursday, March 4th.  They had told me to take my time, don't rush out, as long as I was gone by midnight there was no problem.  So Jim and I took our time getting the room together, going down to visit Kenley, I even ordered dinner for that evening  from room service.  We got all packed up, Jim loaded the car and it was time to leave.  I got my nurse to sign my discharge papers and mom and dad told me they would meet us there to see us one more time and say goodnight to Kenely.  We went into the NICU and saw Kenley.  Spoke to her.  Told her we loved her.  We would be back to see her the next day.  And that is when the tears came.  I cried leaving her room...walking down the hall...my mom gave me a hug and I started to sob.  I cried as we left the hospital and as I waited for Jim to bring the car around and pick me up and I cried non-stop the whole way home.  My heart was broken in two.   Here I just gave birth to a 2 pound baby and I was expected to go home.  I wasn't just a minute away if something happened.  I was now 20 minutes away, I was sick at the idea of leaving her.  I am for sure, in everything that I am to endure from here on out (I could be proven wrong with this but til the day that I am) that was the absolute hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.  I was numb.  The only thing I could feel at that point were the tears running down my checks and the heartache I had at leaving my baby.  Not to be mean but I am sure other mommys can sympathize but unless you have been in those exact shoes...you have NO IDEA what it is like.  I had family that were sad for me, I had friends that were sad for me but I did not have anyone in my life that had had a baby as early as I did and had to leave it knowing that there was a chance she might not make it through the night (anything could have happened) and knowing she would have to be in the hospital for not weeks, but months.  (Now my dear friend Erin had a preemie...I mentioned her earlier...and I know she can relate...but her darling baby was not as early as Kenley. <But by no means to diminish her time in the hospital and all that Reilly went through>  And since then I have had a dear family friend have 30 week twins and I know she can relate...God Bless her b/c her journey has been WAY harder then mine)   Other than Jim knowing my pain, I felt alone.  But the ironic thing was, I was far from alone.  I had my parents, my sister, friends...so many people that loved me and this baby but they didn't know how I felt and what I was going through on the inside.  I almost became a different person those 57 days she was in the NICU.  I was no longer just Megan...I was Megan, mommy to a 29 weeker and my soul purpose was to wake up in the morning for that baby, spend as much time as I could with her during the day and let her know as much as I could that I loved her and I was going to go through this ordeal with her until the day she came home with me.

We ended up stopping to grab a couple slices of pizza on the way home, of course because there was no food in the house, and I remember thinking, "I'm not even hungry."  But I knew I needed to eat and Jim certainly was not going to let me go without eating that night.  I sat in the car...and cried...as I waited for him to go inside and get the food.  I then waited, and cried some more, as we stopped at Harris Teeter so he could go in and grab some drinks.  When we got home, I waited outside while he leashed up the dogs and took them outside.  I went inside and gated myself in our bedroom because I knew as soon as they saw me they would get excited and want to come love on me.  I hadn't seen them in over a week.  I couldn't let them near me for a couple days because I was so sore and I was worried I would get a paw in the abdomen.  I sit in the room for a bit and start to get my pjs on so I can eat dinner in bed and then go to sleep.  I remember it like it happened yesterday.  I went into the bathroom, used the bathroom and all of a sudden had the chills hit me.  Like when you get sick and you get the chills all over your body.  I was suddenly cold.  I stood up in the bathroom and remember not being able to even walk because I was shaking so badly.  I told Jim I couldn't do it...meaning I couldn't walk into the bedroom...I think he thought I was referencing this whole ordeal and he tells me yes you can.  And I then tell him, no I need your help...I can't walk into the bedroom.  So he helps me into bed and I am still shivering and crying again at this point and I think I might have been having a small panic attack.  I had a hard time getting my breath and my heart was racing.  He sat down beside me and helped me to get my breath and he helped calm me down.  I must have laid in bed for about 10/15 minutes before I started to feel better.  While that was happening I remember having a split second thought that I needed to go to the hospital...Jim was going to have to call an ambulance.  After I calmed down, I had a ton of blankets on me because I had been shaking, I suddenly became warm.  Then I thought I was coming down with something.  I had not had any food in me for awhile so Jim grabs a slice a pizza and sits with me while I eat it and that helps.  I remember feeling so sad and helpless at that point.  I forced the pizza down because it seemed to help and all I wanted to do was crawl into a dark hole and not come out until she was home with us.  The Lord does not give us more than we can handle...This I am sure of still to this day.

They had given us a number to the NICU and a code so we could call any time, day or night, and give them our code and we could check on Kenley.  So we called that night to see how she was.  That began a twice daily occurance in our house hold for 2 months.  A call in the morning and a call at night before bed.

It is almost midnight and I honestly could write for another hour or so but I should go to bed now.  I'll start with Day 4 of Kenley's time in the NICU with the next post.