Bringing Kenley home

I may forget a lot of things in my lifetime and I may not remember things exactly how they happened but I will NEVER forget the day we brought her home and the feelings I experienced that day.

Every day I arrived at the NICU and walked down that long hallway to go see Kenley I always imagined what the day would be like when she got discharged and we got to take her home. I planned on having the hallways lined with family and friends like a parade when we got to leave with her.

The day we got to take her home was a fabulous day but a scary one too! Just the day before, Kenley had been suited up with a take home monitor that I had to be schooled on in 15 minutes flat. Jim was at work so he wasn't there to learn how to put it on, take it off, turn it on, turn it off, what you do if the alarms go off and on and on. So here I am trying to remember everything this lady is telling me and hoping that I remember it correctly. Of course, that monitor became like second nature to Jim and I because she had to wear it for almost 3 months.

That entire day was so surreal to me. I remember getting up that morning and getting ready and even getting teary eyed as we drove to the hospital. We had driven that same route an ENDLESS amount of times and the fact that the day that we didn't have to drive it EVER again had arrived was so bittersweet to us. We were at the hospital for awhile. Its not like we walked in, scooped her up and got to leave. We had to wait for her doctor to draw up the discharge papers and for him to finally come in and give Kenley one last evaluation and then sign off on the papers. We also had paper work to fill out and a run down of when her first pediartic appointment was, her first opthamologist appointment was and her first developmental clinic appointment was. We had to sign off that we knew these appointments were important and if we missed them then we could not hold that doctor responsible for any "further damage" that might occur to Kenley by not bringing her.

We had Kenleys nurse that day, Helen, who was great but we also had Donna show up to see us off. Those two made sure we were stocked with everything we needed. Apparently, anything that had been used on Kenley while she was there was now her property, aka anything in her room, so they got two or three plastic bags and tossed everything in! Diapers, wipes, ointments, bath wash, her little pink tub, all the little tobogans she had ever worn on her head, and even the hand made quilt that had covered her isolet when she was first born. Also lots of formula that we would need. It was the best experience! To have these two ladies basically clearing out the room for us and making sure we had everything we needed was just amazing...I wish I could describe in even better detail how that time went and how I felt.

We got Kenley dressed in her going home outfit, Dr. Moya came and gave her the all clear, my mom arrived, Jim went and pulled the car to the front of the hospital and we were off!!! Helen and Donna walked us out, after we got K all snug in her carseat, and it was the most Amazing feeling! It was like I was in a dream. I felt like I was floating the whole way out of that place. I always thought I would boohoo the entire way out but I couldn't stop smiling. I think I always thought I would cry because at any given time while she was there, I could bust into tears, but that day was just too joyous for tears, even happy ones. While I was overjoyed to be taking K home, I was also sad to be leaving, what I considered my second home. I had just spent 2 months of my life getting to know the nurses and spending almost every waking moment in this hospital and that has now come to a sudden and abrupt end. I never thought about how it would be after we got her home. The sudden friendships that came to a screeching halt and the completly different life we would now lead. My life was that NICU for so long and then just like that, life had changed. I didn't walk into the hospital one day, have a bay and get to leave with that baby a couple days later like most other mommys get to. I got to know nurses and doctors and other people that were all of a sudden not in my daily or weekly life anymore. They didn't prep me for that. I didn't realize that that within itself would be a hard transition. I wanted to take my girl home but I didn't want to not ever see some of those people again. But sadly that's been the case. When you leave the NICU you also leave the people that have so lovinly taken care of your baby and you for so long. Those nurses are angels walking around on earth. God has put special hearts into each and everyone of them.

The ride home went quick. We got K inside, I sat her down, looked at her in her carseat and said to jim "what do we do now???". And so began our journey of FINALLY being parents...well that what it felt like to us.

To have or not to have...that is the question

This may seem premature...no pun intended...but Jim and I were asked this question today and I can't help but think about it or even dwell on it. "So have you guys started thinking about #2?". I guess its just natural for people to automatically ask that or even be inquisitive about it after your first born. I wish I could have replied "Yep, there will be a number 2 and we plan on having it when Kenley is so and so age.". But I can't say that. So my response is, "Well, if we can figure out my issues first, then we'll see.". And those that don't know about my funky uterus just kind of look at me as if they understand what I'm talking about. Truth is I wish I could go ahead and start thinking about Baby Copeland #2, I know kind of soon seeing as K is only 9 months old right now, but I'm a planner and like to have things thought out and planned out ahead of time.(Not that I'm in control of anything...I know who is in control) But I have a hard time wrapping my head around it. I'm not sure there will be a Baby C #2. Not that I would be disappointed with just having Kenley because she's a blessing within herself but at the same time I don't want her to be an only child. In a way I feel like I was cheated out of my pregnancy. I didn't get to do half the things I wanted to with Kenley. No belly cast (yes silly maybe but I always wanted to do one just to have for myself and as a kind of momento type of thing). No 3D/4D images, no child bearing classes (not that I feel we missed out on learning anything but I still wanted to have the option to participate) no enjoying being pregnant the entire 40 weeks and having a regular birth (again, not that I would have neccessarily enjoyed it but dangit, I wanted that option). No 2 day hospital stay and being able to be wheeled out of the hospital with my newborn on my lap as I saw SO many times while K was in the NICU, and I could go on and on. I know I know, most people would say stop complaining, you have a healthy baby at home right now and there are so many mommies that don't even get to bring their precious babies home with them. Please believe that I am so grateful for my girl and even though she came early, I am still thankful to our Lord for the time she did stay in my belly. Please don't get me wrong...my heart aches for the families that never get to bring their angels home...God bless them.

Also I'm petrified of having another preemie. I'm not sure I could endure emotionally another early baby. So if there is a good chance that another child would be a Kenley #2, I'm pretty sure Jim and I are done. My doctor told me right after K was born when she was informing me of what she thought my issue was, that #2 would definitely be another c-section and would most likely be another preemie. Now how early would be up for discussion because knowing now what we know, there would be many preventative measures taken to keep it in as long as possible. Well now I don't seem to have the original issue that my doctor thought I had so I'm not sure where that leaves us. She wants me to have one more procedure done where she goes in with a camera and takes a look for herself. I think its great because we'll know for sure what's going on in there but with Jims new insurance, its coverage isn't as good and it would cost money that we don't have right now to get it done. And I'm fine with that. I don't feel like I need to have it done tomorrow but within this next year I would like to get it done if for nothing else, piece of mind. What the final diagnosis is will be our deciding factor for trying to have another baby.

This had just been on my mind tonight since being asked that question and I just wanted to write about it. If I get the all clear, whenever that might be, then we will definitely try and hope and pray for another little bundle of joy but if it's not meant to be then it's not meant to be. It's not something I'm going to spend time worrying about or stressing over because in the end I know it's out of my hands anyways.